Four years after Russia launched its full-scale invasion of Ukraine, discontent against the war hasn’t completely vanished within the country, though many voices have been silenced by severe government repression. A 32-year-old woman from Moscow, who requested to be identified by the pseudonym “Varvara,” shared her experience of living quietly with her disagreement against the war, unable to protest openly now.
When President Vladimir Putin launched the massive military assault on Ukraine on February 24, 2022, she felt “despair and rage.” At that time, she participated in anti-war demonstrations held in central Moscow. But four years later, the situation has completely transformed. Now, she says she is merely “trying to survive” and does not dare to publicly criticize the war or the Kremlin.
According to her, any form of grassroots resistance within Russia today is immediately suppressed. “Any resistance coming from below will be crushed,” she said in an interview with AFP in Moscow. Since the war began, Russia has intensified domestic repression to levels not seen since the Soviet era. Thousands who spoke out against the invasion have been fined or imprisoned. Public protests against the Kremlin have become nearly impossible.
Key opposition leaders are in prison, in exile, or have been found dead, while anti-war groups abroad are mired in internal disagreements. At the start of the war, Varvara was among the thousands who took to the streets. Russian riot police violently suppressed those protests. She said she participated then even without knowing what might happen to her. Fearing possible arrest, she had prepared her family.
“I knew I could be arrested, so I left a spare set of keys at home,” she recalled. “I also thought about ensuring my cat wouldn’t go hungry while I was away.” She managed to avoid arrest, but after signing an anti-war petition, she was fired from a job associated with a government institution. Subsequently, many of her friends, who had been detained by police for some time, left the country.
However, Varvara could not bring herself to decide to leave Russia. According to her, the uncertainty and risks of emigration seemed more daunting than the option of staying in the country. “I didn’t feel an immediate physical threat. No one knocked on my door, I wasn’t imprisoned or tortured,” she said. Later, she found work at a charitable organization. Working there, she realized that trying “to do some good wherever possible” within the country was the only viable path now available.
In the summer of 2022, she met her future husband. Both agreed they would only leave the country if there was a risk of arrest. Now, she also cares for her husband’s two children from a previous marriage. According to her, these family responsibilities have further strengthened her decision to remain silent. “If I were alone, perhaps I would take the risk,” she said. “But now I am a stepmother, part of a complex family structure, and I feel responsible.”
The war has also deeply impacted her personal life. For a long time, she found it difficult to experience ordinary happiness. She recalled that only after two years, while walking carefree one day, she realized she could feel happy without guilt. “One day we were walking with a friend. The weather was nice, we were just talking,” she said. “At that moment, I realized: this is a good day, and I don’t feel guilty for enjoying it.”
She now considers caring for her stepchildren a form of “escape.” Yet, the shadow of the war has not lifted from her daily life. Even in her charitable work, she says she must always be cautious about whom to seek help from or work with, as many organizations and individuals may be connected in some way to the military campaign.
The war has also complicated her family relationships. Her father serves in Russian security services and was deployed to fight in Ukraine. He occasionally sends financial support to his daughter. But Varvara refuses to accept that money. “He is my father, and I love him,” she said. “But for me, it is impossible to accept that money.”
